From Chemo Wife to the Dreaded other "W" Word

With an infinitely heavy heart, it's time I make a point to post that my husband passed away just over a month ago.  The pain seems to grow each day despite being told it gets better over time.  Forget the hole in my heart notion, there is an absolutely massive void in the essence of my being.  I can feel it in my chest and in my stomach, I just feel like someone is ringing me out like a used rag.  I thought I'd run out of tears at this point, but now I sit here with an excruciating headache from the amount of crying I did today to accompany the panic attack that I had.

Nothing can prepare a person to go through this.  I think I've been kidding myself as I put on the brave face and discuss how "beautiful" his passing was with all things considered.  While it is true that it was beautiful, I still feel so incredibly robbed.  I can't live in what-if's but I am definitely present in a place of wishing that wishes could be granted and I could have had one last conversation with him, one last hour to hold his hand and look into his eyes and kiss his cheek, and run my fingers through his beard.

I wish I knew when this would get better, when the things we enjoyed together won't flood me with pain and intense yearning for him, and instead will make me smile remember how much we loved sharing life together. If someone could say "by ______ date all of this will be easier" I think that would be so helpful... right now it just feels like every single day is more painful than the last and every day seems longer, more empty, more lonely, and more distanced from the life I shared with my amazing husband.  It all just happened so fast.  Monday he was told it was back and they couldn't treat it and by Wednesday night he was immobile and on life support and unable to look at us or speak.  I've lost all my voicemails I had saved from him... I get so wrapped up in worrying about forgetting him that I think about it and remember him so vividly that it floods me with pain and yearning for him.  Yearning isn't even the right word to describe the intense emotion I have when missing him, every literal ounce of my being aches for him... every last bit of me.

I don't want to "be strong" and I'm not strong, I get "reminded" that I'm "strong" and that I'll make it through, but I just want it to be okay to hurt like I do and I want the hurt to happen so that I can get through it but at the same time it is so indescribably painful that I can't bear to put myself through it so I do my best to stay busy and out so that it forces me to be "brave" and "strong"... which in turn means that the very second I'm by myself I'm absolutely falling apart.  It is a super vicious cycle, I don't want to feel that pain so I make sure I'm not alone, but because I am so busy and don't allow myself that time it becomes that much more intensified when it does happen and then I end up driving on the freeway having a full blown anxiety attack like I did today and just in so much excruciating pain missing him.

I don't know how to balance it.  I don't know how much I need to give myself to get through it, obviously I'm not giving myself enough time when I have these moments because it keeps happening.  I just want to know when it I'll be able to control it more.  I can't be at work and have these random outbursts, I can't really be driving and have them either which is rather frequent... certainly not safe in that situation, but what can I do? I wouldn't wish this feeling on my enemy (not that I have those), this kind of pain and grief outweighs any other.

I miss and love my husband so much, I remind myself that it hurts because I loved him... the more I loved the more it hurts, the more I was loved the more I miss him and I can say loved and was loved more than I ever imagined possible.  I officially feel so lost and out of touch with the world and life at the moment... just watching it pass by while I feel frozen in this place until I can figure out how the balancing act works... just how to allow myself to experience and heal while not losing touch with day to day life. That's the key that I just don't have yet.