Trying to Ease the Anxiety of Impending Doom

The social worker suggested that it would be a good idea for us to get out of the house and go somewhere this week. She thought it would serve well as a means to keep Tom's mind off of the pending biopsy results. We chose to visit friends and family in Santa Cruz.

I don't know if it's because Monday is nearing and that I'm bound to be thinking of it, or if it's the fact that I'm here to not think about it that's causing me to think about it; But last night when I went to bed, all I could think about is how horrible I'm going to feel and how earth shattering its going to be if this biopsy doesn't have a negative leukemia read.  So I start thinking about this and reliving the moment of the last biopsy results and my collapse and how horrible it was, and then I think, "My God, Tom's anxiety must be a MILLION times worse!"


Surely being away IS a good idea, visiting with so many folks must at least be keeping our minds off of it to a certain extent, but when left to my own devices, I'm afraid I'm my worst enemy.  A few nights ago I couldn't sleep at all and I found myself praying past the usual amount, hoping it would subdue me into sleep... Instead, I ended up bawling my eyes out, begging God to have mercy on my husband and to let us grow old together healthily. Believe it or not, that actually helped me fall asleep! It was such an awful feeling though. I'm getting so anxious and overwhelmed about these results, perhaps not building up false hope will ease the blow if it's not what we want... I'm not sure.

Our Justified Sense of Denial

When he's at home and feeling good, it's so easy to forget that he has this very serious disease.  Obviously, things are very real and serious when he's hospitalized, but when he's home and feeling good, it really is easy to sometimes forget. Maybe the more correct word is ignore. We've both said it and maybe that's what makes it so easy, is that we both get into this easy going routine of normality, especially when we have a few days off from doctor visits.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, it isn't really denial is it? I know that he has leukemia, I know that he has to get a bone marrow transplant, and I know that he is still susceptible to terrible infections and that he will have some rough patches ahead; BUT when he's home and feeling good, I think it's important that we both get a break from the stressful moments of reality and we both get a chance to feel happy and unburdened temporarily. Yeah, that's my justification.  We shouldn't have to be constantly reminded of what a crap situation this is... Because it isn't all terrible.

For one, we are so lucky that I am able to have this time off and when he's feeling good, God is it wonderful to spend time with my husband. Likewise, when he feels his worst, it's so wonderful that I can be there for him... Even if there isn't much I can do, at least I'm not at work somewhere worrying and feeling completely worthless.


In other news, brother two was finally able to get his typing test done to see if he's a marrow match.  Today Tom is having a bond marrow biopsy to see if he's in remission or not, so fingers and toes crossed.  God we really need this to come back with him in remission, quite seriously.

Anyhow, that's all she wrote.