Today Was SOOO Not My Day

I spent the few days in the hospital with Tom with a bit of an upset stomach.  Nothing to be too alarmed about as I'm definitely not known for an iron stomach (though I thoroughly enjoy putting a lot into it, it certainly doesn't play ball).  Nonetheless, last night I was feeling particularly crappy.  Came home with the in-laws after their hospital visit with Tom so that I could have a shower.  I drove back and had my first good night's sleep there (the past nights were full of discomfort and temperature issues).

I woke up this morning and I felt totally fine. A diet of just a bagel and bean burrito the day before probably weren't enough to make the old GI track riot.  I braved some cafeteria biscuits and gravy as well as their slightly brown water... I mean coffee.  I still felt totally fine, until about the end of my coffee, where I got that, "You should only be putting water in me, bitch" kind of reaction from the gut.  I ignored it.. as you do, threw the remaining "coffee" away as we headed out the door to come home!  Perhaps it was the excitement on the mind that led me astray from thinking about my stomach.

Got home, had a mini-breakdown.  The realization I suppose that life sort of sucks? That no one is here to take care of us? I don't know.  I was upset at everything I looked at.  My stomach was hating me and I had a refrigerator full of "sugar-free" yogurts (aka aspartame cups) which I just can't do and "diet juice" (aka the same thing but in liquid form).  It's really not a big deal, I'm just relaying what was going on in my head at the time.  I have wonderful in-laws who did some shopping while we were in the hospital, but I felt like the world was coming to an end because my fridge was stocked with food that I wouldn't eat. First world problems, eh?
I was thinking about how they'd gone down to Salinas and were visiting with Tom's brothers and our niece, and my family have also gone down to Santa Cruz to celebrate Christmas at my Grandma's (something we haven't done since I was a child)... and it wasn't really about the yogurts or yucky jello's and juice... I felt deserted. I felt like if it weren't for Tom being in the position he is, we could be right along side everyone. Worse yet, Tom had asked when I think we'll have our lives "back to normal" and it pained me to hear him ask that because I'd been wondering the same today.  I mean (and pardon the next segment of words), but holy shit, five months ago we were planning to be in our own house right now and trying for children!  I'm so fucking mad at the world right now. I'm so upset!

I feel like we've been so robbed and when this is "over" it won't really be over. We have such a long way to go for that and we will be so debt ridden that we're planning on going back to England so we can stay with his mom and save up some money and I'm just so damn mad that it's come to this. We were finally done with college, starting decent jobs, home searching and the whole thing is such a mess and those things we were doing five months ago are so fucking distant now.  I sincerely have no idea when any of them will happen and especially having children since that will now be so much more complicated when Tom's sperm will be in a freezer here and we'll be in another country and he's barren. I am in complete tears and agony as I'm writing this.
This is exactly what I was referencing in my last post... about my melt downs.  I didn't think this point of the year would ever come.  In July it felt like 2012 was probably never going to end. Time had a new definition: stagnant. And then yesterday I realized how close we are to Christmas, which of course made me think, "It's almost New Year's" which is what made me think about when Tom said we'd "start trying" for children at New Year's time.  I've put on 20 lbs since Tom was diagnosed, ridiculous.  Between not working, not doing anything, stressing out, and not having the ability to not stuff my face to make me feel better... it's hopeless.

Anyway, I digress.  My shitty day.  So I came home... had a melt down over stupid things that are ridiculous and realized it had nothing to do with what I thought I was having a melt down over... which then upon realization of what I was really freaking out over, I only freaked out more.  Seriously, I'm pitiful.  Anyway, I went to the store to fetch some yogurt, amongst other things we needed (like something for dinner, aka soup and french bread) and packed it all into Tom's GTO which was still stuffed with the hospital stuff. Got home, started unpacking (after secretly eating the slice of disgusting cheesecake that I'd bought) and went to get the groceries out of the car.
Well, The milk had tipped upside down and leaked onto his floor (hooray) so I carried a few bags and the milk in, got some cleaner and paper towels to go back out and tackle that, grabbed a couple more grocery bags, spotted Izzy sneaking out the door, dropped a grocery bag and BAM!!!! Pasta sauce all over the damn ground.  Not only that, it was only one jar of pasta sauce (thankfully not both), but it was one jar in a bag with the produce I'd purchased. WHY??!?!?!? What did I DO?!?! Well I went back into the house to fetch a clean grocery bag and more cleaning supplies and towels. It now looks like a small animal was murdered next to Tom's car under the carport, but I survived.

Then I come inside to put everything away and just grow overwhelmingly annoyed with the amount of things we have that have never been consumed and never will be (ie. an entire case of costco weightloss shakes bought for Tom during his first round of chemo in Jul/Aug in case he didn't want to eat... none were ever consumed), through all of those away, along with some powerades bought at the same time that he won't drink (nor I), etc.  Well I wasn't thinking (obviously as I was on a rampage) and I threw them all into the trash can and it weighed it down so much that it couldn't be removed.  I tried the tactic of another trashbag over the top and flipping it... even doubled that one up.  Solicited Tom's help, to which he told me to take the entire container out... and I did.  I saw the mailman was out and we're expecting a package today, but Helen and David have the mail key on the car key set for the honda that they've taken to Salinas.  I said, "I'm going to go ask him if he'll open the mail for me!"  Which of course he asked for ID which I didn't have and it doesn't have my current address anyway... and then I came back in and flopped on the bed and told him of all of my failures today.

I'll spare all of the other in between details, but eventually I made "dinner", to which my stomach responded to by making the loudest noise it's ever made my entire life.  Since then, I've been incredibly sick to my stomach.  I was wrong... must have been the eye of the storm when I felt good this morning... I'm rather ill. Which means that I'll be on the couch so not to infect my chemo-patient husband.

This. This is what it's come to. I've either got to get me a better coping mechanism or some serious pills. I'm absolutely freaking out. On the bright side, there isn't much that could make tomorrow a whole lot worse.  So long as we don't have to make any trips to the hospital.  Silver lining... right?  Merry blippin' Christmas.

Either I Think too Lowly of Myself OR I've Got Them Well Fooled

The title of this one sort of says it all. This has been a rocky ride. There are moments where I seek solace and find myself just on my own crying or in a complete state of nothing (literally thoughtless and nearly emotionless... just sat there).  I get things done because I have to and because I love my husband, not because I'm superwoman.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just shut down or worse I break down... But these are nearly always in private.

That said, Monday both Toms mom and the oncology social worker were telling me what a great person I am and the social worker said she uses me as an example to others because I was in cooking and whatnot in the bone marrow transplant unit.  Truth is, I laugh and smile when I'm uncomfortable or uneasy about something to keep me from crying. I know this probably sounds so vain but the point is the opposite. I don't think I deserve the commencement that I've been receiving.

Afterall, through sickness and health right? Though technically that wasn't in our vows I don't think lol. I guess the point is that I don't feel commencement is in order for just doing what's expected of me in such a time, it shouldn't be a "good job" that I've stuck by Tom and whatnot..what's the alternative, really?!? It's not as if I ever could or would say, "Forget this, this is not what I signed up for!!!". This is just simply what I'm meant to be doing, the task at hand if you will.  I'm a Mahutga (maiden name) and we're known for being good at tackling such things head on and letting the world know we're here and mean business.  Have my mother to thank for modeling that one my whole life.

In conclusion, the title says it all. I'm just plugging away at what needs to be done, having my breakdowns on my own time.  Definitely no superwoman, in fact, very human.  Full of faults and just trying my damnest to get one thing right in life and hope it's this.