Today we were reminded with a terrible tragedy just how incredibly fragile our lives are. To wake up to the news that can be found on any website at the moment (msn)... my heart is not only weighing a million tons, but broken as well. I don't know that I really can put into words the way I feel about this situation, 20 children's lives taken and seven adults. The harming of the innocent is never easy, but these babes still had their entire lives ahead of them. They went to school today to learn and have fun with their friends, possibly not far from Christmas Break with their families. Heart broken. The largest school shooting since a gunman at Virginia Tech killed thirty two. No one deserves this.
This is the second public shooting in less than a week. Not only that, we've had the movie theater shootings this year as well. This is absolutely horrendous. As a country whom prides themselves on leading the way for many others, we have some third world country acts that are painting a very different picture of us to the rest of the world. How can we be off telling other countries how to better themselves, when a classroom of five year old children aren't even safe at school.
There is absolutely no way for me to really articulate my feelings. I'm trying, but I'm so full of anguish and sorrow for these families, misunderstanding and anger for the gunman, and fear for our future. The shootings that have taken place this year have claimed so many lives, so many innocent lives. They've also taken place in settings where you or I would go any day and feel safe. What do we do? How do we go forward without living in fear that this might happen to us or our children? HOW do we tell our children to trust that the world is a safe place? Do we now need to be teaching our four year old children what to do in such situations? When I was a child, I just had to say no to strangers offering lollipops in their cars... and that was the scariest thing in the world to me. I never had to think that something harmful and potentially deadly could happen to me at school.
Here I've been afraid of losing my husband to leukemia and today's events have reminded me how completely unpredictable life is and how the most unforeseeable things can take place in the unlikeliest of places.
Today and this Holiday Season, my heart is going out to all of those struck by tragedy this year.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Finally, A Wanted Answer to My Many Prayers
Today we had our meeting with Dr. Carroll to find out whether last week's marrow biopsy yielded remission or not. We went in without any expectations, given that the last time we had this kind of consultation we had a very unexpected blow to the ego and spirits.
Before meeting with the doctor, the Financial Coordinator (Raj) came out to go over what Tom's medical benefits cover as far as medications and the transplant are concerned. During our meeting with her I was listening rather attentively and it didn't particularly cross my mind as to why we were discussing it, but once she left I thought, Wait, I wonder if Tom is in remission and that's why we're talking about coverage for transplantation! Then I shut my thoughts down so as not to over excite myself and then be punched in the gut with bad news. The time in that room could not possibly go by fast enough.
We had to wait for Tom's labs to come back before Doctor Carroll would see us. Why is he putting us through so much torture!!!! Tell us already!!!! My mind was racing with thoughts and also aching from lack of sleep last night due to the anxiety attached to this meeting. Suddenly I was getting very anxious and thinking about ways to stay calm if it was bad news. This in turn made my stomach sour. Hunched over with a headache and upset stomach I could only just urge the doctor in with my thoughts.
Finally, he came in and he sat down. What does this meeeeeeeean?!?!?! I tried desperately to read his face, his body language, anything. "So, I hear you're not feeling well?" OH COME ON!!!!!! Tell us already!!!! Tom tells him he thinks it's one of the meds that he's on, etc. Cut the chit-chat. Then he says it... "The biopsy shows that you're in remission."
Come again? "Our pathologist had a thorough look and found nothing suspicious, which is not what your previous biopsy was like. We got a great sample!" Now, I had coached myself on what I would respond with for bad news... what do I do? I end up having to fight back tears! Tears of joy of course, but this was way more overwhelming than I'd anticipated! Out of my mouth comes, "Yay!!!" Frantically tapping Tom's arm, "Do you hear that?!" Then I look at the doctor and say, "We weren't thinking positively at all!!! After last time, we didn't want to get too excited." That sounded awful. He continued to reassure us and talk to Tom about the biopsy and it was just all so damn exciting!
He said he is nervous about this remission however and so we need to maintain it with some more chemo until we have a donor set up. He hadn't heard any news on Alex's marrow typing test yet, we assured him it was done last week to which he said we should then have the results hopefully this week! Whether Alex is a match or not though, it can take nearly a month to get things sorted and be ready for transplant, so he still needs to do some maintenance chemo.
Tom's mom arrives from England on Wednesday, so Tom asked if he could go in on Thursday so that he could accompany me to San Francisco to pick up his mom. I assured the doctor that if this would in any way impact Tom's status of remission, it was not necessary. Surprisingly, Dr. Carroll came back and said, "Let's do Monday. Spend the weekend with your Mom." YES!!!!!
The best part is, this chemo is only for 4-5 days of hospitalization.... so long as Tom doesn't get any kind of fever/secondary infection while in.... He'll be home for Christmas!!!! Miserable, I'm sure, but home nonetheless! Because he'll be coming home right after the chemo, it means his counts will crash while at home, which leaves him tired and vulnerable to outside infections. He was really wanting to be home for Christmas, but we were afraid that him being home would mean him not being in remission... but we get to have our cake and eat it too on this one! I'm so thrilled!
Before meeting with the doctor, the Financial Coordinator (Raj) came out to go over what Tom's medical benefits cover as far as medications and the transplant are concerned. During our meeting with her I was listening rather attentively and it didn't particularly cross my mind as to why we were discussing it, but once she left I thought, Wait, I wonder if Tom is in remission and that's why we're talking about coverage for transplantation! Then I shut my thoughts down so as not to over excite myself and then be punched in the gut with bad news. The time in that room could not possibly go by fast enough.
We had to wait for Tom's labs to come back before Doctor Carroll would see us. Why is he putting us through so much torture!!!! Tell us already!!!! My mind was racing with thoughts and also aching from lack of sleep last night due to the anxiety attached to this meeting. Suddenly I was getting very anxious and thinking about ways to stay calm if it was bad news. This in turn made my stomach sour. Hunched over with a headache and upset stomach I could only just urge the doctor in with my thoughts.
Finally, he came in and he sat down. What does this meeeeeeeean?!?!?! I tried desperately to read his face, his body language, anything. "So, I hear you're not feeling well?" OH COME ON!!!!!! Tell us already!!!! Tom tells him he thinks it's one of the meds that he's on, etc. Cut the chit-chat. Then he says it... "The biopsy shows that you're in remission."
Come again? "Our pathologist had a thorough look and found nothing suspicious, which is not what your previous biopsy was like. We got a great sample!" Now, I had coached myself on what I would respond with for bad news... what do I do? I end up having to fight back tears! Tears of joy of course, but this was way more overwhelming than I'd anticipated! Out of my mouth comes, "Yay!!!" Frantically tapping Tom's arm, "Do you hear that?!" Then I look at the doctor and say, "We weren't thinking positively at all!!! After last time, we didn't want to get too excited." That sounded awful. He continued to reassure us and talk to Tom about the biopsy and it was just all so damn exciting!
He said he is nervous about this remission however and so we need to maintain it with some more chemo until we have a donor set up. He hadn't heard any news on Alex's marrow typing test yet, we assured him it was done last week to which he said we should then have the results hopefully this week! Whether Alex is a match or not though, it can take nearly a month to get things sorted and be ready for transplant, so he still needs to do some maintenance chemo.
Tom's mom arrives from England on Wednesday, so Tom asked if he could go in on Thursday so that he could accompany me to San Francisco to pick up his mom. I assured the doctor that if this would in any way impact Tom's status of remission, it was not necessary. Surprisingly, Dr. Carroll came back and said, "Let's do Monday. Spend the weekend with your Mom." YES!!!!!
The best part is, this chemo is only for 4-5 days of hospitalization.... so long as Tom doesn't get any kind of fever/secondary infection while in.... He'll be home for Christmas!!!! Miserable, I'm sure, but home nonetheless! Because he'll be coming home right after the chemo, it means his counts will crash while at home, which leaves him tired and vulnerable to outside infections. He was really wanting to be home for Christmas, but we were afraid that him being home would mean him not being in remission... but we get to have our cake and eat it too on this one! I'm so thrilled!
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To say that on the way to the hospital I was highly considering taking up smoking upon our return home today (in anticipation of really awful news).... I must say that I am feeling especially relieved. I have also not picked up smoking, instead I've picked up a rather silly grin and large amount of relief. Merry Early Christmas to me!
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