In The Clear For Me... Murky Waters For The Main Man

So my scan had the best possible outcome- The mystery mass disappeared! They had two people ultrasound me just to make sure and it was all good.  Apparently it left as quickly as it'd arrived.  A giant sigh of relief.  I must say though, I was rather calm for me... I calmly sat in the waiting room of women only (awaiting their mammograms I assume based on chatter and their entry into door 1 instead of door 2, I enjoyed two shortbread cookies from the elegant cookie display, looked at a magazine for home DIY projects that I'll never do but think I will; Yes, I did well.  I did eat an entire pint of ice cream to myself last night... But apart from the initial scare and shock of "what-if" on Tuesday, I was rather cool about it. Well done me.

Tomorrow I have my pre-op appointment for next Thursday's carpel tunnel surgery and then I will have completed a medical visit for every day m-f this week! That's me done. Thing's are looking up! Perhaps I can move past my doom and gloom that I've been in the last couple of weeks. I now look forward to foster-adoption someday and have again come back to surrendering myself to divine plans rather than my own (which is sometimes so darn hard!).

Tom on the other hand, is at his sorrowful stage. Today he said he wished he lived closer to family and his brothers (which I wish we weren't so isolated as well), then he said he "wants his mummy and daddy" and said he doesn't think people know how hard it is.  To which I said, of course they know how hard it is, but he has me here and they have other very important things to tend to and it's just how it is, but by no means does absence equal minimization of his situation.  He then acknowledged that he knows that, but I know he wants to be closer and feel more tended to. Poor guy.  He asked what happens if a match isn't found and he said I can't contest with it not being possible and then (probably the worst bit of today) he said "of he doesn't have long he wants to spend it with his family." Again, he said I can't contest because I can't say for certain... What does a person do with that?

It also doesn't help that he said those latter things after I returned from the caregiver's support group where two of the patient's were on a second and third transplant. BUT they were not leukemia patients and the previous transplants were autologous (from themselves) and were both doing allogeneic (donor) ones this time. So it doesn't really apply to Tom, but it does make me wonder how often leukemia patients have to transplant more than once.  But I'm not goin to dwell, I'm goin to keep things positive because I can't worry about the unknown... Now how to convince my husband to do the same.

A Bit of a Scare Myself

I'd like to start by saying I have been very dilligent about doing my yearly exams and last year I had a false positive read, but if that wasn't the worst day of my life leading up to that point, not sure what was.  It was the most liberating feeling to be told after further tests and frequent ones, that I was good.  Then of course Tom was diagnosed and that became the worst day of my life.

Anyway, as if we don't have our fair share of cruddiness at the moment (if only it worked that way, right? "Oh, you've definitely reached your limit... let's just pass the house burning down over to the next person."). The other night I noticed a "lump" on the side of my breast (may be "tmi" for some, but this is what happened)... I may have even thought I'd noticed it before during a "shower check" but dismissed it to paranoia.  Well it was a little more obvious this time... and then I sought out a second opinion from Tom to see if I may have been over reacting.  The look on his face required no verbal verification, but of course he verified with, "See the doctor tomorrow!"

So I did.  And it wasn't paranoia, there's definitely a mass of some sort.  Estimated at approximately 1/2 cm, presumed to (hopefully) be a cyst.  Tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound on it to see what it is (apparently even at the finding of a mass, due to my age no mammogram is necessary).  If it is a cyst, it will be dealt with then and there.  If it is something more serious, nothing happens tomorrow, I follow up with the doctor again and we go for further tests.  While she seems highly convinced it's a cyst... I'm still rather frightened about the other possibilities.  So here's to hoping that tomorrow I have to get a needle in the breast to remove a cyst. The things that you cross your fingers for with age.

This year is not starting out as well as I'd hoped it would.  Tom reassures me that we'd have to be the most unlucky pair in the world if we both have cancer...again, if only things could be so certain based on equal distribution eh? Communism of luck haha! Then again, it wouldn't be "luck" if so expected/divided... Now I'm putting way too nuch thought into the philosophy of luck.  Happy Wednesday! Cross your fingers for me! Channel that "good luck"!!!

Ah, January

So, January is here and actuallu half way over, wow! So many mixed feelings. January felt a lifetime away on July 25th (the day Tom was diagnosed) and yet it has crept up unbelievably fast!  While I know dwelling does no good, I cannot help do anything but at times.  I have been actually fighting the urge to blog about this for about a week, but here I am.  I can only think it's been on Tom's mind too, as his recent continual comments would lead me to believe so.

January was the marking point we'd set in July to start trying for children (being that we were looking to purchase our first home previous to his diagnosis).  January is here and we are so far from children it's unbelievable.  Sure, it seemed like when this would be over we could jump aboard that train with the specimens we were able to freeze, but with our recent chats I decided to look into what that'd entail and it costs about $9,000 just for the first try which doesn't particularly have a good success rate... the second try is $8k, the third $7k, and those discounts are only if done within a year of try one. That's a lot of money for a maybe. While this is for in vitro, the price for just artificial insemination (which is even less successful) is still $2,000 a try and then you're also gambling away what little we have stored away.

Tom has asked me probably five times just in the last week if I'd be open to adoption, he also for the first time spoke about it with a colleague who asked about  children and said adoption would be rather suitable as both our mothers were adopted. He constantly "jokes" about how we will mever have children  now, and more recently also made a remark about how I'll never have a baby in my belly because he can't give me that  ... I knew it wasn't something he was happy about, but I think it's really hit me that it's maybe just as hard on him as it is on me that we may never have children.  Did I memtion the average adoption is 20-30k dollars?!?!

Ah, January. Also marks Tom's birthday... he'll be 26 next week!!!  Now everyone knows a little too much about my lack of a reproductive future, but holy cow is it pretty crappy... and more so now that I know my husband is also upset about it. I guess we may become the crazy dog couple afterall.