Trying to Ease the Anxiety of Impending Doom

The social worker suggested that it would be a good idea for us to get out of the house and go somewhere this week. She thought it would serve well as a means to keep Tom's mind off of the pending biopsy results. We chose to visit friends and family in Santa Cruz.

I don't know if it's because Monday is nearing and that I'm bound to be thinking of it, or if it's the fact that I'm here to not think about it that's causing me to think about it; But last night when I went to bed, all I could think about is how horrible I'm going to feel and how earth shattering its going to be if this biopsy doesn't have a negative leukemia read.  So I start thinking about this and reliving the moment of the last biopsy results and my collapse and how horrible it was, and then I think, "My God, Tom's anxiety must be a MILLION times worse!"


Surely being away IS a good idea, visiting with so many folks must at least be keeping our minds off of it to a certain extent, but when left to my own devices, I'm afraid I'm my worst enemy.  A few nights ago I couldn't sleep at all and I found myself praying past the usual amount, hoping it would subdue me into sleep... Instead, I ended up bawling my eyes out, begging God to have mercy on my husband and to let us grow old together healthily. Believe it or not, that actually helped me fall asleep! It was such an awful feeling though. I'm getting so anxious and overwhelmed about these results, perhaps not building up false hope will ease the blow if it's not what we want... I'm not sure.

Our Justified Sense of Denial

When he's at home and feeling good, it's so easy to forget that he has this very serious disease.  Obviously, things are very real and serious when he's hospitalized, but when he's home and feeling good, it really is easy to sometimes forget. Maybe the more correct word is ignore. We've both said it and maybe that's what makes it so easy, is that we both get into this easy going routine of normality, especially when we have a few days off from doctor visits.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, it isn't really denial is it? I know that he has leukemia, I know that he has to get a bone marrow transplant, and I know that he is still susceptible to terrible infections and that he will have some rough patches ahead; BUT when he's home and feeling good, I think it's important that we both get a break from the stressful moments of reality and we both get a chance to feel happy and unburdened temporarily. Yeah, that's my justification.  We shouldn't have to be constantly reminded of what a crap situation this is... Because it isn't all terrible.

For one, we are so lucky that I am able to have this time off and when he's feeling good, God is it wonderful to spend time with my husband. Likewise, when he feels his worst, it's so wonderful that I can be there for him... Even if there isn't much I can do, at least I'm not at work somewhere worrying and feeling completely worthless.


In other news, brother two was finally able to get his typing test done to see if he's a marrow match.  Today Tom is having a bond marrow biopsy to see if he's in remission or not, so fingers and toes crossed.  God we really need this to come back with him in remission, quite seriously.

Anyhow, that's all she wrote.

Happy to be home

Friday Tom was allowed home, just a day off of his predicted "home for Thanksgiving".  So, he shocked the staff, as they'd predicted another week, but truth be told... he isn't feeling to cracking.  We think this chemo has really drained him, then again, being in a hospital for two and a half weeks without being able to do much  isn't going to make him able to jump into regular activity at home.  That aside, its still incredibly nice to just be home and in our own comfort zone. Not to mention our dog is thrilled to have us back!

Construction.  That's what's happening right now.  Our property management is fixing the disintegrating patios on our apartments and currently I can't even hear myself think with them demolishing the outside of my apartment. What's worse, is having a husband who doesn't feel good and at 8am having them outside our bedroom door banging on the wall and shouting at each other... though I, too, would have liked to have remained in bed... without someone able to peer through my blinds. 

On to business, brother 1 wasn't a marrow match, brother 2 is to do his test tomorrow. We haven't heard yet when Tom is supposed to have his marrow biopsy to see whether he is in remission or not.  Just been emailed by the marrow transplant coordinator and they are starting a preliminary search via the registry as well.  So, at least things are starting to move a bit. :)

Side note, the construction outside just hit the wall hard enough to unplug the computer.  Hooray, hopefully this is not what we have to look forward to every day for too long.  Can't even open the blinds, because my dog is not a fan of the action outside.

On a brighter note, literally, we got a Christmas tree! Our first Christmas tree, ever! Tom's been telling me how much he loves Christmas and said he keeps dreaming (which is something he never does, unless drug induced) about being a child and waiting up to sneak a peak of his dad putting the presents under the tree during the night. So cute! Originally, we weren't going to get a tree, because we aren't supposed to have live plants during imuno-compromised times, due to the bacteria they can carry.  But we thought it'd really lift the spirits of everyone and make the holidays as closed to "normal" as possible.

I think it came out looking pretty good.