The social worker suggested that it would be a good idea for us to get out of the house and go somewhere this week. She thought it would serve well as a means to keep Tom's mind off of the pending biopsy results. We chose to visit friends and family in Santa Cruz.
I don't know if it's because Monday is nearing and that I'm bound to be thinking of it, or if it's the fact that I'm here to not think about it that's causing me to think about it; But last night when I went to bed, all I could think about is how horrible I'm going to feel and how earth shattering its going to be if this biopsy doesn't have a negative leukemia read. So I start thinking about this and reliving the moment of the last biopsy results and my collapse and how horrible it was, and then I think, "My God, Tom's anxiety must be a MILLION times worse!"
Surely being away IS a good idea, visiting with so many folks must at least be keeping our minds off of it to a certain extent, but when left to my own devices, I'm afraid I'm my worst enemy. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep at all and I found myself praying past the usual amount, hoping it would subdue me into sleep... Instead, I ended up bawling my eyes out, begging God to have mercy on my husband and to let us grow old together healthily. Believe it or not, that actually helped me fall asleep! It was such an awful feeling though. I'm getting so anxious and overwhelmed about these results, perhaps not building up false hope will ease the blow if it's not what we want... I'm not sure.
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