Ah, January

So, January is here and actuallu half way over, wow! So many mixed feelings. January felt a lifetime away on July 25th (the day Tom was diagnosed) and yet it has crept up unbelievably fast!  While I know dwelling does no good, I cannot help do anything but at times.  I have been actually fighting the urge to blog about this for about a week, but here I am.  I can only think it's been on Tom's mind too, as his recent continual comments would lead me to believe so.

January was the marking point we'd set in July to start trying for children (being that we were looking to purchase our first home previous to his diagnosis).  January is here and we are so far from children it's unbelievable.  Sure, it seemed like when this would be over we could jump aboard that train with the specimens we were able to freeze, but with our recent chats I decided to look into what that'd entail and it costs about $9,000 just for the first try which doesn't particularly have a good success rate... the second try is $8k, the third $7k, and those discounts are only if done within a year of try one. That's a lot of money for a maybe. While this is for in vitro, the price for just artificial insemination (which is even less successful) is still $2,000 a try and then you're also gambling away what little we have stored away.

Tom has asked me probably five times just in the last week if I'd be open to adoption, he also for the first time spoke about it with a colleague who asked about  children and said adoption would be rather suitable as both our mothers were adopted. He constantly "jokes" about how we will mever have children  now, and more recently also made a remark about how I'll never have a baby in my belly because he can't give me that  ... I knew it wasn't something he was happy about, but I think it's really hit me that it's maybe just as hard on him as it is on me that we may never have children.  Did I memtion the average adoption is 20-30k dollars?!?!

Ah, January. Also marks Tom's birthday... he'll be 26 next week!!!  Now everyone knows a little too much about my lack of a reproductive future, but holy cow is it pretty crappy... and more so now that I know my husband is also upset about it. I guess we may become the crazy dog couple afterall.