My heart stirs with anticipation

Tomorrow Tom is due in the hospital for 7:30am.  That means that I'm sure neither one of us will sleep tonight due to anticipation, but I suppose that means I might get the house unpacked! (slight humor).  Tom is very anxious about what's to come. 

Up until this point, he has done an amazing job at not inquiring about any statistics related to his situation.  Tuesday he had to do his "consent signing" which meant that he absolutely had to hear the "facts" as it were, because he had to sign and say that he knew the risks involved etc.  This was a rather large shocker for my poor husband who spent the following day rather anxious and upset at the rather frightening risks. 

Truth be told, even though I'd previously read the risks and statistics before, it was a bit of a shocker for me to hear it from the doctor's mouth as well. Even though he made it rather clear that he is confident in Tom's outcome being positive, he was also clear that you just can't always be certain.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days we've had.  My poor husband burying his head while he cried in fear of the fact that this could be it and me being completely and utterly useless and unable to reassure him... as how can I promise that things will be okay? 

I instead took the route of putting faith in the doctor.  I asked him if he trusts the doctor and said we need to trust that he's going to see Tom through this and he would have told us if he thought there to be any reason why Tom should be worried other than "off chances".  It weighs heavy on my heart, his fear.  There's nothing I can do to make it ease and I just think about how I would feel in his positon and I don't even know if there is a word that could even convey how that would feel.

I can only hope and pray and put this in God's hands and hope that he provides the wisdom and knowledge that is necessary to the doctor to see my husband through this.  The most frightening thing I think was that it doesn't just end a week after transplant, he's at risk for very serious things for quite a long time! We're talking over a year!  If it isn't risk of the stem cells not grafting, it's graft vs. host disease (GVHD), if it isn't acute GVHD it's Chronic GVHD, if it isn't GVHD at all it's the possibility of relapse, it's the possibility of a reaction to the new cells, it's the possibility of fevers striking when his counts are low and his marrow is wiped out, it's serious 100 different things that aren't only weighing on my mind, but on Tom's and I'm sure they're a million times more heavy for him. 

I must go pack his bag for the stay, so I better get off of here and thinking more positively.  Any prayers for Tom would be sincerely appreciated.

WOW

So, if you read my last blog, let me tell you... the world feels so differently now.  When I wrote that letter I was at the lowest point I think ever in my life.  I felt that the world had literally failed us and I thought I'd be homeless at the end of the month, I thought I wouldn't be able to take care of my husband, I'm pretty sure I may have lost a few brain cells due to stress.  I had a few break downs, basically every time I got off the phone with this organization or that.  But now... now that has all changed.

It took a lot to write that letter and even more to actually post it and send it out into the world.  I nervously awaited to see the response it would get and found myself incredibly amazed.  We have had such an incredible sense of support emerge that not only has my faith in the human race been restored, but my heart feels so overwhelmingly weighted by the sense of love I've felt.

Wednesday I cried and cried. and cried.  I cried due to the fear of the unknown, I cried because I felt like a failure, I cried because I felt helpless and I cried because I felt like if I couldn't fix this... I might lose my husband and this whole fight that we've been hardly persisting through at times this last year, I felt like it might have been for nothing.  Now, I'm tearing up because I never... never in a million years expected the kind of response we've received.

Not only did people share our story and not only did complete random strangers donate to us just out of the kindness of their hearts, but an entire community has come together, for me and my husband.  My hometown of Corning California, a place I haven't lived in over six years and a place I haven't even visited since Tom was diagnosed in July of last year... but still a place I grew up in and call home, they've absolutely humbled me to my core.  One of my childhood friends and my very first Starbucks mentor and later photographer of my wedding began the ground work of a fundraiser which was an idea early Thursday evening.

By mid morning Friday, my childhood friend had secured more donations than I could even count.  By that evening a website was built by one of Tom's old Chico work colleagues: www.helptomandlaura.com and it has all the information to do with the fundraiser thus far and the links to donate to us. We have had an incredible amount of support come in donation wise, from people we know, friends of people we know, and then complete strangers.

This weekend I had planned (a month ago) a trip to take Tom to San Luis Obispo to visit his brothers and to have some genuine fun before he has to go into the hospital for a long period of time and then be stuck at home for months and unable to travel for quite awhile.  I was so excited about this trip and as it neared, so was he.  When we got the awful news about our financial situation and then the stonewall of lack of organizational support, we informed his brothers we'd have to cancel the trip due to lack of funds.  His brothers then came together and they paid for our visit.  I can truly say I have not seen Tom enjoy himself so much as he did this last weekend... at least not in the last 8 or 9 months.  I can't think of anything better and I am so incredibly happy that they made it happen for us.

Not only was it amazing for him, but while down there I kept receiving emails of donation alerts or emails of just incredibly supportive notes from people and it was seriously so ridiculously wonderful that I can't even describe it.  I have tears streaming down my face of complete and utter joy in reflecting on this. To top all of this off, I got an email today from the local Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Light the Night walk Campaign Manager... asking if Tom would accept the position of "honorable hero" for this year's campaign!

So yah, WOW. So blessed, so incredibly blessed.  This weekend with the trip and with the incredible communal support combined, is precisely what was needed for the both of us before going into this next chapter... the transplant.  So, this week we pack, pack, pack for our move that happens Saturday.  Next week Tom goes in for the pre-transplant chemo at some point.  I believe I was told either the 12th or 15th, but when I asked last week it still wasn't decided.  Tomorrow he has a bone marrow biopsy, so hopefully we find out then.

If you have in any way been one of our saving graces, thank you.

Please Help

Our Story

I’m writing this in a moment of complete desperation and also with hope that things will come together. A week after celebrating our 1 year anniversary, my husband was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) at just 25 years old. He had just finished a six month training program for his company and had worked only five days in his new official position.

Tom had been feeling really tired, dizzy, weak, and not himself. He had been travelling for work, working on his final presentation, we had been house hunting to buy our first home, and there was so much going on that we just thought it was normal. After a few weeks of this continuing, I made him go to the doctor who told us while it was unusual side effects for mono perhaps that was it. He took some blood work just in case and wrote Tom off of work for a couple of days. Two days later, Tom received a phone call from the doctor instructing him to get to the emergency room straight away as his blood levels were beyond frightening.

I was on my way to orientation for a new job when Tom called me and said he needed to go to the hospital. After five minutes of trying to figure out if this was a joke, I turned around. Within two days we had the confirmation that he had Leukemia, July 25th 2012. Our entire world that seemed to finally be going somewhere with careers and a house… came to the biggest halt, word’s fail me to describe that moment. The worst feeling to come, when I had to call his parents to confirm the suspected horrible news. Little did we know what was ahead of us.

In short, the beginning looked promising. The oncologist we were assigned felt highly confident in treating Tom, said he might be back at work, cancer free in February. What actually occurred was that he couldn’t get Tom into remission. Poor Tom did five rounds of very intense chemo, that also brought along various life threatening infections such as e. coli in the blood stream, chemical meningitis, VRE, and various neutropenic fevers. November 5th, we received the news that Tom was still not in remission (when it was expected that the first round would achieve this and he’d done five). It felt like we would never get there. November 7th we were sent a different hospital where we met Dr. Carroll to talk about a bone marrow transplant, which can only be done once remission has been achieved.

Dr. Carroll achieved remission with a different chemo regimen the first time around. This was the best feeling ever. I’ll spare all of the in between details, but we’re happy to announce that after a few months, they found a bone marrow match for a donor and the date has been made for March 22nd. The hospital has asked us to move closer, which we are doing for ease and Tom’s safety after the transplant. Here’s the kicker. 

Because Tom had only begun his job in January (after graduating top in his class at CSU, Chico for the business college), he has now officially exhausted his state disability funds. This was our main source of income, as I’ve been actually on a leave of absence for carpel tunnel so my worker’s comp checks (which were merely a fraction of Tom’s) are gone very soon. In order for Tom to receive a transplant, he must have a 24/7 primary caregiver as well as backup caregivers just in case. This means I cannot go back to work until he is stable enough to be on his own and we don’t know when that will be. It could be a couple of months, could be six months, and if (God forbid) things just really don’t pan out well it could be a year, etc. 

We do not qualify for cash aid through the state and not being eligible to work immediately he does not qualify for unemployment. Due to only working six months after just graduating from college, he doesn’t qualify for social security disability, and due to being a permanent resident (not a citizen) he also isn’t allowed to draw on social security supplemental income. We have virtually exhausted our options. Seemingly we’ve found the only niche that no agency/organization can help. We do qualify for food stamps, but we need help to pay rent, gas to the hospital, electricity, etc.

This is really long and I do apologize about that, but we’re in need of some sincere help. At 24 and now 26, we have no savings, no retirement to pull from, we have no house to sell, nothing. It pains me to have to be at this point when only less than a year ago we were on top of the world, but we’re asking for the help of family, friends, strangers, anyone and everyone. If you could please help us out and pass this on, that would mean the world to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you… for helping to save my husband’s life.

To donate simply visit www.paypal.com
-choose transfer, click on “send someone money”
-it will bring you to a page where you enter your email address and then mine: laurawalshaw@gmail.com and enter your donation amount. Should be easy. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

If you are interested in all of the details of our journey thus far or would like to follow Tom’s story through his bone marrow transplant, you can follow us at http://leukemialog.blogspot.com/

My Stunning Husband the Day of Our Wedding July 16, 2011

Enjoying a Huddersfield Giants Rugby Game during our Honeymoon Summer 2011

During his second "induction" round of chemo... a 3 week hospital stay at Sutter General Nov 2012

 Visiting our friends the Kirby's after five months of Tom doing chemo Dec 2012 (we would soon find out he was finally in remission!!!)